Yet Another Thing To Type In Word And Then Look It Up In The Thesaurus(tm)
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What's #Kitchen Sink? No, it's not an IRC channel, it's the name of a cc:Mail bulletin board at work, which is a potpourri of various kinds of messages, from for-sale notices, to requests for rides, to the occasional joke. This page is dedicated to the humorous posts that have shown up on #Kitchen Sink.
I'd like to see Bill Gates dead.
On a hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos (potato chips): You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
On a frozen dinner: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On the box of a hotel-provided shower cap: Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tirimisu dessert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not Iron clothes on body.
On Boots children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On Nytol sleep aid/cold medicine: Warning: may cause drowsiness
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.
On a string of Xmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
On a packet of Sunmaid raisins: Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden -- a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich." Poof! Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." Poof! She turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh -- can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. Poof! There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
The proliferation of modern programming languages which seem to have stolen countless features from each other sometimes makes it difficult to remember which language you're using. This guide is offered as a public service to programmers in such dilemmas. If you have anything to add, please email me.
Top 10 things that sound dirty at the office but aren't
10 - I need to whip it out by 5
9 - Mind if I use your laptop
8 - Just stick it in my box
7 - If I have to lick 1 more, I'll gag
6 - I want it on my desk now!
5 - Hmm - I think it's out of fluid
4 - My equipment is too old, it takes forever to finish
3 - It's an entry level position
2 - When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1 - It's not fair . . . I do all the work while he just sits
Top 10 things that sound dirty in golf but aren't
10 - Nuts, my shaft is bent
9 - After 18 holes, I can barely walk
8 - You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7 - Look at the size of his putter
6 - Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5 - Mind if I join your threesome?
4 - Stand with your back turned and drop it
3 - My hands are so sweaty, I can't get a good grip
2 - Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
1 - Hold up . . . I need to wash my balls first
![[Ape->Man->Man hunched over computer (39K)]](ksdarwin.jpg)
Scene 1
KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an artist named "Picasso."
I am certain he will amount to nothing.
KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they know these priceless paintings will sink
with the boat.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the
worship of me. You are very pretty.
KATE: Thank you. So are you.
LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you in fact. I am going to put on my "brooding" face now, to ensure that
women will keep coming back again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.
KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience
interested until the boat sinks and people start dying.
WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you saved my fiancee's life. I am going to
sneer at you and treat you like
dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure
the audience really hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I'll throw an
elderly person into the water.
AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a few admirable qualities, we have not been
shown any of yours, and plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you! Boo!
(Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming between
you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!)
Scene 2
LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your fiance.
KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you
and I cannot climb into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am the heroine
of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY
angry indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing to me.
AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of course you have to take off your clothes.
KATE: But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the
audiences might not stand for that sort of thing?
LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the film is in release, every single showing
at Wynnsong Theater in Provo will sell out.
NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what happened.
KATE: All right, then. (Sound of clothes hitting the floor.)
Scene 3
FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.
CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (Sound of drinking.)
ICEBERG: (Hits boat.)
FIRST MATE: That can't be good.
CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!
AUDIENCE: (Silence.)
FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.
AUDIENCE: Where's Leonardo?
Scene 4
LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking.
KATE: That is terrible.
LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified behavior?
KATE: Certainly.
WEASELLY FIANCE: (Aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here! (to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my
morally dubious yet somehow less annoying than you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this pipe, here in
a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned
previously.
LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?
WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save Kate from me. Of course, you're going to
die anyway...
AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!
LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed.
AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.
WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people.
Scene 5
150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn't been for having to rescue him, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years old, and who's making my supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why, when I was - hey! Don't you walk away from me! I'd turn you over my knee, if I had one. I'll beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come back here!
(Fade to black. Roll credits and play annoyingly overplayed Celine Dion song.)
Two city workers hard at work. One worker would dig holes he would dig dig dig. The other worker would fill up the holes he would fill fill fill. These two men work furiously all day, one digging hole the other filling them up again.
A man watching from the sidewalk could not belive how hard these men were working. But could not understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He approched the the hole digger. "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again."
The hole digger replies, "Oh yeah, it must look pretty funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result: all the apes are sprayed with cold water. Turn off the cold water. If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs.
To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.
After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? "Because that's the way it's always been around here."
Sound familiar?
From the pages of Salon Mag comes the results of a contest for haiku NT error messages.
Winners:
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
-- David Dixon
Everything is gone;
Your life's work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?
-- David Carlson
Honorable Mentions:
I'm sorry, there's -- um --
insufficient -- what's-it-called?
The term eludes me ...
-- Owen Mathews
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
-- Peter Rothman
Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again
-- Chris Walsh
The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.
-- Barry L. Brumitt
Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?
-- Pat Davis
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
-- David J. Liszewski
Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.
-- Charlie Gibbs
Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.
-- Rik Jespersen
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
-- Suzie Wagner
Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.
-- Jason Axley
This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.
-- Charles Matthews
wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault
-- Nick Sweeney
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
-- Mike Hagler
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
-- Simon Firth
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
-- Howard Korder
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
-- Bill Torcaso
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist
-- Joy Rothke
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
-- David Ansel
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
-- James Lopez
There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge
-- Rahul Sonnad
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
-- Margaret Segall
To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy
-- Brian M. Porter
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
-- Cass Whittington
No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?
-- Jim Griffith
Hal, open the file
Hal, open the damn file, Hal
open the, please Hal
-- Jennifer Jo Lane
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
-- Francis Heaney
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
-- Judy Birmingham
The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.
-- Jason Willoughby
Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."
-- Len Dvorkin
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
-- Ian Hughes
The following are the top three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in New Woman Magazine.
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was
finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her
that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right
now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after
this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity
and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
-Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening,
so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone.
As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I
give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.
When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!'
My entire family - aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and
I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.
-Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady
who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of
her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all
the store to hear: "Price check on lane thirteen, Tampax supersize."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax"
for "thumbtacks."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "Do you want the kind you push in with your
thumb, or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"
Submitted by Rich Dunn
This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for your edification and enjoyment.
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.
This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French,saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"
Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".
An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new bicycle. "Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the first.
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice - the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
DO RE MI DRINK, by Homer J. Simpson.
DO...... the stuff... that buys me beer...
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer
FAR..... a long way to get beer...
SO...... I'll have another beer...
LA...... I'll have another beer...
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to...
(looks into an empty glass)
D'OH !!!!
I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.
I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.
When I came home I had a gash.
My hand was cut by broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.
I have nothing, nothing to hide.
My friend, he took me for a ride.
Did you take this person's life?
Did you do it with a knife?
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not anytime.
Did you hit her from above?
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.
And now I'm free, I can return.
To my house for which I yearn.
And to my family whom I love.
Hey now I'm free -- give back my glove.
A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car. The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain but wandered off to find the closest supermarket.
He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks.
After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream.
The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying, "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh no! It's just ice cream."
I was visiting Windsor castle, outside of London, on vacation. Windsor castle is directly in the flight path of Gatwick International Airport. While standing outside the castle admiring the elegant structure, a plane flew overhead at a relatively low altitude making a tremendous amount of noise.One particularly annoyed American tourist Induhvidual standing next to me whined, "Why did they build the castle so close to the airport???"
Sign in a Laundromat:
Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
Sign in a London department store:
Bargain basement upstairs.
In an office:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
Outside a farm:
Horse manure 50p per pre-packed bag 20p do-it-yourself.
In an office:
After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
On a church door:
This is the gate of heaven. enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. please
use side door.)
English sign in a German cafe:
Mothers, please wash your hans before eating.
Outside a secondhand shop:
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
The town hall is closed until opening. it will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.
Outside a photographer's studio:
Out to lunch. If not back by five, out for dinner also.
Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 yrs.
Outside a disco:
Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.
Sign warning of quicksand:
Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the district council.
Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:
Due to increasing problems with letter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard
to do their best to keep them in order.
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
Sign on motorway garage:
Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.
Notice in health food shop window:
Closed due to illness.
Spotted in a safari park:
Elephants please stay in your car.
Seen during a conference:
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
Notice in a field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
Message on a leaflet:
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
Sign on a repair shop door:
We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work.)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left.
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
THE DARWIN AWARDS are given every year to bestow upon (the remains of) those individuals, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, have done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
1997 DARWIN NOMINEES:
(#1) Los Angeles, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees nest from a shed on their property
with the aid of a "pineapple." A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent
of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window
some 10 feet away from the hive/shed.
The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed
stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walkingtowards their car, Ani was stung three
times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation
enroute to the hospital.
(#2) A driver, who crashed into the side of a 3000 ton wheat train and was dragged in his car more than a kilometer
before being slammed into a pylon at the edge of a cliff, fell to his death as he walked for help.
The Queensland, Australia man, 63, and his female companion, 64, were driving along the Newell Highway near Moree,
in Northwestern New South Wales, on
Wednesday night, police said. Their car crashed into the side of a fully laden, 600 meter long train at a level
crossing. (I guess that would be harder to miss than the side of a barn!) The vehicle became wedged between the
second last and last carriages and was dragged sideways beside the track as the train continued towards Moree,
a police spokeswoman said.
After being carried more than a kilometer and a half they approached an unfenced bridge with a 10 meter drop, the
spokeswoman said. Moments before they reached the precipice, the car was struck by a pylon, dislodged from the
train and spun several times. When it came to rest, the pair managed to free themselves from the wreck (I wonder
if it was a Volvo?) with minor bruising, and the man set off along the railway line for help.
But he slipped on the bridge and fell to his death, the spokeswoman said. The woman was eventually able to raise
the alarm and was recovering in Moree hospital with chest injuries.
(#3) Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired.
(#4) Phillipsburg, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."
(#5) In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
1997 DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS (I.E. Non-fatalities)
Gulf Breeze, Florida, three unidentified teenage males were using a home video camera to film an action/adventure
"movie" one of the boys had written. In a scene
that called for one character to be ignited by fire, the "special effects coordinator," age 15, prepared
the "stunt" youth by dousing lighter fluid onto his clothes. The intentional fire, which proved unexpectedly
difficult to extinguish, left the young man with third degree burns on his left arm, torso, and both legs. It was
all captured on film.
In Bradford, PA, J. Cruwe, 28, caught a small snake in his yard. As a joke he placed the snake in a container which he handed to his wife. She opened the container and, startled to see the snake, dropped it. The excited and, as it turns out, poisonous, snake immediately bit Mr. Cruwe on the shin. Mr Cruwe survived the wound and recovered after a short visit to the local emergency room.
In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer and discharging firearms from the rear deck of
a home owned by Irving Michaels, age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but the beer apparently
impaired their aim and, despite the estimated 35 shots the group fired, the animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter
drainage pipe some 100 feet away from Mr. Michaels' deck.
Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending
to smoke the animal out. After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5
gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to ignite it again, to no avail.
Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15
feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match. The
subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the way he had come, though at a much higher
rate of speed. He exited the angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine," according to witness
Joseph McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own home, right over the heads of his astonished
friends, onto his front lawn. In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air.
"There was a Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us," McFadden reported, "Followed by a
loud thud." Amazingly, he suffered only minor injuries. "It was actually pretty cool," Michaels
said, "Like when they shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it again if I was sure I wouldn't
get hurt."
Allegedly real comments from US Armed Forces Officer Evaluation reports:
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Single-celled organisms outscore him on IQ tests.
Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If he were any more stupid he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough to him you can hear the ocean.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
Takes him 1.5 hours to watch 60 minutes.
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Women: Believe it or not, most of this really happens!
Men: You should ace this test women may have a little difficulty
The Official Men's Room Etiquette Aptitude Exam
The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room An X above the number will indicate
"in use"
(Sample):
| | | x | | | x | (Indicates that urinals 3 and 6 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | are occupied) -------------------------
You are to identify correctly, based on urinal etiquette, at which stall you are to correctly stand Good luck!
-------------------- Easy Section --------------------
| | x | | x | | | (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | -------------------------
Your choice: ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 6 It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this
| x | | | | | | (Urinal 1 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | -------------------------
Your choice: ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 6 Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to someone who arrives later
------------------------- Kind of tricky Section: -------------------------
| | | | | | | (empty) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | --------------------------
Your choice: __
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 1 or 6 You are tacitly saying, "I don't want anyone next to me"
| | x | | x | | x | (2, 4 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | -------------------------
Your choice: ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 1 You're stuck being next to at least ONE guy, so you minimize the impact and get a wall on your
left NEVER go between TWO guys if you can help it.
Exceptions to this are stadium restrooms where the herd thunders in
----------------------------------------------- Subtle, tricky, but important to know Section ----------------------------------------------- | | x | | | x | x | (2,5 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | -------------------------
Your choice: __
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 4 Believe it or not, 1 and 3 "couples" you with the guy in stall 2 And we wouldn't want
THAT now, would we?
This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances cannot be explained Suffice to say, only we men would understand!
----------------------------- VERY tricky indeed Section 6 -----------------------------
| x | x | | | x | x | (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | -------------------------
Your choice: ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: NONE! You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals
"open up" a bit more If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for goodness sake! use a doored stall.
Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals:
1. For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
See if they can do it again.
2. For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
3. For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
4. For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
5. For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
6. For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
7. For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
8. For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
9. For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
10. For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
11. For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
12. For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
15. IRS demands a hundred years of interest from stunned taxpayers.
14. "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" song gets stuck in infinite loop.
13. At the stroke of midnight, Windows 99 turns back into DOS 1.0, the Pentium V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse.
12. Internet Movie Database now lists "1901: A Space Odyssey"
11. Residents of Indiana have to figure out if they're off by 999 years, 364 days and 23 hours, or 1000 years and one hour.
10. Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only 2 digits.
9. Mel Brooks's "2000 year old man" skit stops being funny.... Oops, too late.
8. Sales of Coca Cola jumps drastically after original cocaine-laden formula becomes legal again.
7. Software engineers point out that since computers think it's almost 1900, we technically have to "party like it's 1899," which, frankly, doesn't seem like much fun.
6. Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the "Gatesian" calendar.
5. J.C. shows up late for his second coming, blames it on COBOL programmers.
4. Computers temporarily fooled into thinking Strom Thurmond is only 103.
3. First Top 5 List of the year? "Reasons No One Would Ever Assassinate President McKinley"
2. Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly takes home some octogenarians.
And the Number 1 Unforeseen Consequence of the "Millennium Bug"...
1. Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe understaffing of fast-food restaurants.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "BECAUSE I DIDN'T!"
1. American men and women spend 15 percent of their days running in slow motion along the beach.
2. Americans almost drown an average of two times each hour.
3. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one actually dies, except from cancer.
4. People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for an average of 15 seconds after being told anything of any importance.
5. Americans never worry about getting enough to eat, but fat people are unreliable and sometimes evil.
6. Most American women have abnormally large breasts that are worshipped via close-ups for an average of two minutes and thirteen seconds per hour.
7. When swimming in California, you are more likely to be attacked by jewel thieves or taken hostage by terrorists than you are to drown.
8. Most activity that takes place off the beach occurs in montages and lasts no longer than two minutes.
9. Although Americans, especially lifeguards, complain that they are poor, they all have expensive sports cars and luxurious homes.
10. Motorboats, unlike cars, will not talk back to David Hasselhoff.
"Wiiiiilliam Gaaaates..."
"Oh, hi, Satan. What's up downstairs?"
"It's tiiiiime..."
"Yeah, but we're still debugging Memphis, and Ballmer swears he'll wipe out Adobe before lunch, and Melinda wants to change the tile in the third-floor kitchen again, and..."
"Sorry, Bill. I've given you too many extensions already, not to mention the Oracle8 launch event disaster, not to mention Steve Jobs' head on a platter."
"Yeah, that was a good one. I think you enjoy this as much as I..."
"Regardless, a deal's a deal. Your soul is mine, Bill Gates. And today is the day you pay your eternal debt to me."
"Now, let's be reasonable here, Satan..."
"Reasonable?!? You want reasonable?!? You're the richest man in the world! You've got a beautiful wife and daughter! Microsoft is the most powerful company on the planet! We're even using NT to run hell's WAN server! And frankly, it sucks. That's one of the reasons I've come to collect. If you can't get my network to run right, you'll spend the afterlife writing Windows applications that run on doorbells..."
"What's your alternative, Satan? Netware? AppleTalk? OS/2? You're a funny guy for someone who breathes fire."
"Well, God is porting all his heaven-critical applications to Java..."
"Java?!? Stop it, Satan. You're going to make me wet my pants again like that time you told me to buy Novell for $50 a share."
"Yes, Java, running on Sun servers, IBM plumbing and Oracle databases with thin clients accessing the apps via the web through Netscape Navigator."
"That's not a solution, that's one of those Grimm's fairy tales that scare children to death. I have yet to see an NC actually being used to do anything except crash during demonstrations. Look, Java is a nice little language for animating web sites, but Shockwave after too many espressos isn't going to displace Windows as an applications platform on hundreds of millions of PCs."
"Nevertheless, Java is the future of computing, and I'll be damned if I'm going to give God a strategic technology advantage!"
"Satan, what if I told you I could kill off Java with a single word?"
"Interesting. Tell me more."
"Wait a minute. What's in it for me?"
"I promise I won't turn you into Larry Ellison's bidet right this second."
"Okay, that works for me. Here's the word...disable."
"Disable what?"
"Disable Java support in Internet Explorer."
"You mean Microsoft's web browser won't run Java anymore?"
"That's right, brimstone breath. You want to run Java, give Netscape 50 bucks per seat and pray that IBM doesn't buy the company to merge Communicator with Lotus Notes."
"The Department of Justice will..."
"Will what? Punish me because I won't support a product my enemies want to use to destroy my company? Chevrolet dealers don't have to sell Fords. Pepsi's restaurants don't have to offer Coke. Why does Microsoft have to support Java?"
"It's an industry standard..."
"It's an industry hallucination."
"There will be a public outcry..."
"From who? Network managers? MIS? The CIO? They're up to their nosehairs in Cobol getting ready for January 1, 2000. To them, Java is still a cute word for coffee."
"What about all those spiffy applets on thousands of web sites?"
"Microsoft owns 100 percent of the Apple and Windows preload market for browsers, and our overall share has gone from zero to half in two years. It's a safe bet most people will soon use IE for web access. If they come to a site that doesn't work because of Java, they'll simply jump to the next one. Trust me, developers will switch to ActiveX faster than you can say 'Playstation.'"
"What about other platforms..."
"Like Intel has competition?"
"Interactive TV..."
"We call it WebTV in Redmond."
"Venture capitalists have invested billions..."
"To get a date with Kim Polese."
"Sun will write a plug-in..."
"Not without the hidden APIs."
"Of all my minions, you are my very favorite, Bill. You may stay."
"Thanks, Satan. Now, about that Exchange license agreement..."
Now that Bill Gates is moving into his new house the following is a conversation heard last week.
Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."
Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."
Bill: "Stacker?"
Contractor: " Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment centre on the couch...the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."
Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."
Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."
Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."
Bill: "You're kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."
Bill: " Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."
Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."
Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."
Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"
Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."
Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"
Contractor: "Oh, in your next house... which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."
16. Every time she cuts her 8am class, CNN switches to a live feed from the lecture hall.
15. PoliSci textbook only contains pictures from her "dumpy" years
14. Social life hampered by mandatory Secret Service body cavity search of potential dates.
13. No room in dorm for all those boxes of missing Whitewater documents.
12. Daddy won't sign the Cafeteria Food Reform Bill.
11. No one wants to waste good pot on a Clinton.
10. Steamy makeout sessions usually end with the guy getting his ass kicked by the Secret Service.
9. Tipper no longer around to clean up after her and Socks.
8. Every boy who hits on you winds up on a "peacekeeping force" in Bosnia within 48 hours.
7. Constant comparisons to notable Stanford alum Ted Koppel usually refer to physical resemblance.
6. Bourbon shots not free like the ones "Uncle Ted" serves back home.
5. Drunken frat boys always confusing her with Amy Carter.
4. Football coach keeps begging her to get Janet Reno to enroll.
3. RA's write you up if the Chinese Delegates stay past midnight.
2. Anatomy lab cadaver none other than Al Gore.
and the Number 1 Chelsea Clinton Pet Peeve About College...
1. The man makes 200 grand a year -- you'd think he could bring his own weed when he visits.
It is once again time to vote for the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you know these nominees will not be contributing to the gene pool(thankfully).
You may recall last year's Darwin Award winner: The man who found out moments before making a 300 MPH dent in an Arizona cliff that the JATO (jet assist take off) unit he'd strapped to his car could not be turned off once it was turned on.
And 1995's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
The 1997 nominees are:
NOMINEE #1 [San Jose Mercury News]
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
NOMINEE #2 [Kalamazoo Gazette]
James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
NOMINEE #3 [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]
Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death. A man cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said. "It's one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected."
NOMINEE #4 [Hickory Daily Record]
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
NOMINEE #5 [UPI, Toronto]
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with hisshoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.
NOMINEE #6 [AP, Cairo, Egypt]
Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.
NOMINEE #7 [Bloomburg News Service, 25 March]
A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was "...a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas]." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
NOMINEE #9 [San Jose Mercury News]
A 24-year-old salesman from Hialeah, Fla., was killed near Lantana, Fla., in March when his car smashed into a pole in the median strip of Interstate 95 in the middle of the afternoon. Police said that the man was traveling at 80 MPH and, judging by the sales manual that was found open and clutched to his chest, had been busy reading.
NOMINEE #10 [The News of the weird.]
JOINT NOMINEE
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously in 1989. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. In March 1989, sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
On Jan. 1, 1997, Laurence Baker, also a convicted murderer once on death row, but later serving a life sentence at the state prison in Pittsburgh, Pa., was electrocuted by his homemade earphones as he watched his small TV while sitting on his metal toilet.
NOMINEE #11["The Indianapolis Star"]
Cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a .54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
NOMINEE #12 [AP, Mammoth Lakes]
A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It was not clear if the tower he hit was one with its pad removed. "With the cold temperatures, the snow was probably pretty fast," said Donnelly.
NOMINEE #13 [Reuters, Warsaw, Poland]
A poacher electrocuting fish in a lake in central Poland fell into the water and suffered the same fate as his quarry, police said Thursday. The 24-year-old man was one of four who went fishing with a cable, one end of which they attached to a net and the other to a high-voltage electricity supply line, the PAP news agency quoted a police official in Wloclawek as saying. "For a while everything went according to the poachers' plan and they had fish in their bags. But at a certain moment the man holding the net tripped and fell into the water," the agency said. The other poachers tried in vain to revive him, it said.
NOMINEE #14 [AP, St. Louis]
Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
NOMINEE 15 [Unknown]
To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
NOMINEE 16 [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA]
Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that lew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry tromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party ate Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. "Another man had it in an quarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, 'I'll show you how to set it off.' I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
AND FINALLY, NOMINEE #17
In December near Mineral Wells, Tex., three men who were attempting to steal copper wire off live electrical lines for resale were electrocuted. Copper wiring is a valuable scrap metal in Texas but is usually stolen from electric cables that are not being used.
Here are some people that may be future nominees/winners, but still haven't made it to the "Big Leagues"
[UPI, Portland, OR]
Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have cut and Roberts would have died instantly.Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
Arkansas Democrat Gazette, July 25, 1996:
Two Local Men Injured in Freak Truck Accident, Cotton Patch, Ark.Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center.The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out.As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on east-bound toward the White River bridge. After traveling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened", said Snyder.
from The Calgary Sun: Low blow for gunman VANCOUVER (CP)
A man arguing over a love triangle accidently shot himself in the groin, taking off his testicles and part of
his penis. Police said the man was waving a .357 Magnum revolver around during the shouting match early yesterday.
But when he stuffed it back in his pants the gun went off. Police were called to the hospital after the man in
his 20's was brought in by friends. Charges are pending against the victim, who is expected to survive.
USA Today: WE'RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest: 'BYE
Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET
America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.
Sun: ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!
Apparently this is an actual collection of various KungFu movie dialog sub-titles someone dug up on the internet.
The following are all quotes from 6th grade science exams:
"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the Pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Here is an interesting one...
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are made of fifteen letters.
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And last but not least:
A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.
He He Ha Ha....
Sorry about the last one.
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was... let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. I never should have mentioned it. Now he probably feels cornered, like I'm being too aggressive and now he wants out. But hey, maybe I want out too? I need to think.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that... It's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:
"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 30, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum. "It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone".
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.
Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though he did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing". When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place".
Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.
About Microsoft
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day.
About the United States
Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.
There was once a man whose pet parrot was his pride and joy. If it weren't for the fact that the bird cussed a blue streak, all would have been great. Unfortunately, the guy was pretty uptight about such language and tried desperately to get the bird to knock it off.
He tried explaining that four-letter words were impolite and that the bird was making a bad impression, to which Polly replied, "Blow it out your @#$!!"
He tried threats, bribery, yelling... All to no avail. The parrot just kept right on swearing. The man, desperately racking his brain, finally came up with the perfect solution. "He's a social bird; he loves conversation and company. I'll stick him in the freezer for a minute where he'll be isolated and lonely. Even better, he'll be cold and uncomfortable so the message should really get through!"
The next time Polly swore, the man carried out his plan. The second the freezer door was closed, the bird went dead quiet. At the end of the minute, the man opened the door and saw that his beloved parrot had gone white as a ghost and was trembling like a leaf.
"Oh no, what have I done?" cried the man, "I only meant to teach you a lesson, not to scare you to death! Are you all right?" The parrot just stared at him, quaking in silent fear. "Polly, what's gotten into you? Say something!"
The terrified parrot looked up at him and whispered, "What did the chicken do?"
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.
Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. I can't believe it. I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree.
I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet. What am I going to do?
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, Yo, fat man ! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass....
Sep 24, 1997 18:39 from Mister Personality OK, what would happen if you had a processor running at 166 and _WHILE_ it was running, you flipped the dip switch and bumped it up to 200? [Hardware> msg #29716 (2 remaining)] Read cmd -> Back (change direction) Sep 24, 1997 18:42 from Trip Shakespeare Rip. Hole. Time. Space. [Hardware> msg #29717 (1 remaining)] Read cmd ->
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